Wicked: For Good

0.5/10 stinky bananas

What the fuck was that? Dogshit movie. I'm disgusted.

How can the first movie be so good and this one so terrible? Honestly, I want to know why. Literally everything was significantly worse. How does that happen? If I were to take a wild guess, I would say some dipshit studio head rushed the film's completion to take advantage of the popularity of the first one. I hope I'm right, because if I'm not, then heads should roll. There is almost nothing redeemable about Wicked: For Good. Let's get into it.

Plain and simple, the movie is a mess. It feels like the credited writers and directors were on sabbatical when they made the movie, and the film we got was actually made by their 19-year-old interns who have seemingly never seen a movie before. The story is a complete shitshow. The first half of the movie is just about animals for some reason. I know that there was an animal cruelty subplot to the first movie, but it occupied very little space in the movie, and that's how it should've stayed. Then Elphaba is all cool with the wizard for some reason, they strike this deal to free the animals, and for some reason that I can't fathom, Jeff Goldblum has a wine cellar full of caged animals. Two things - Number 1: why have a bunch of caged animals sitting in your wine cellar, makes no sense - Number 2: why wouldn't you just release them at the same time as the monkeys, you do that and Elphaba is on your side forever. Jeff Goldblum is so dumb. The whole story was slapped together haphazardly; it's a complete departure from what made the first movie so great. I heard from a little birdie that the play the movies are based on is notorious for having a bad second half. Some may see that as a good excuse, but I do not. If you know that some of the source material is bad, then fucking change it, why regurgitate shit that you know is no good?

The acting is horrific. Namely, Elphaba's sister, Nessa. My god. What's her deal? Easily one of the worst acting performances I've ever seen. The scene where BOK turns into the Tin Man (spoiler alert) is so fucking bad that it's comical. I legitimately thought about turning off the movie after watching that scene. I'm stunned that it found its way into the final cut. Let's recap the scene real quick, Nessa is holding BOK hostage, she then gets mad at her sister for not showing up to a funeral for a man that hated her, she then gets mad at BOK again (but I can't remember why), she is so enraged she grabs the magic book and starts uttering curses at BOK turning him into the Tin Man, she immediately regrets it and throws her sister under the bus. She is so incredibly unbearable in this scene that it had me begging for Tin Man to chop her useless little legs off and then bury his axe deep into her skull, ending the suffering once and for all. And by suffering, I mean the suffering I experienced watching her attempt to act on my television. Michelle Yeoh is another example. I'm baffled by her performance in these Wicked movies. She's typically a delightful actress, but in these movies, she's fucking terrible. I don't understand it. Just completely miscast, I guess.

What the fuck happened to the music? The music in this movie fucking sucks. There are zero good songs. The first movie had at least 5 bangers. You can't make a musical and have the fucking music be shit. Jesus Christ.

Anyway, Wicked: For Good makes me feel nothing. The only 15 seconds of the film I like is the part where Gelinda and Elphaba fist fight, that's the only scene that felt somewhat faithful to the first movie. This sequel is a gigantic waste of time. Do not watch it. Save yourself the frustration. You're welcome. See ya.