Rocky Balboa

0.9/10 stinky bananas

Why is the title of the movie Rocky Balboa? And not Rocky 6? Rough start. They can't even get the name to their own movie right.

Okay, the Rocky franchise has officially bottomed out. This is as bad as it's going to get for your ol' buddy Rock.

Rocky Balboa is a horrendous movie. God-awful writing and even worse acting with absolutely zero Rocky magic.

Before we break down how terrible this movie is, let's take a moment to pop champagne and dance through the streets because ADRIAN IS DEAD. WE DID IT! The wicked witch is dead. BE GONE, FOUL BEAST! BE GONE FROM ME! Boom, I just hit you with a reference that's niche as shit. You may not get it, but it reflects exactly how I feel about Adrian dying. Good riddance.

Anyway, here's why this movie sucks:

• Nobody cares about this bartender and her kid. I could not give less of a shit about them. Get 'em out.

• Rocky's opponent is dogshit. Everything about him is terrible. Horrific actor (not his fault, he's a real-life boxer, it's Rocky's fault for casting him) and he's a fraud champion. This is the Heavyweight Champion of the World and he needs a split decision to beat a 60-year-old Rocky Balboa. He should've retired in shame immediately after the fight.

• Rocky's motivations are beyond dumb. He wants to fight again because some Deadliest Warrior ass simulation had him losing to the current best boxer in the world. Who the fuck cares, Rock? You're 60. Grow up.

• The montage is just sad. He can barely move.

• The big fight is even worse. Absolutely no juice. The person responsible for shooting and directing that scene was clearly on crack.

The only good scene in the movie is when Rocky delivers that speech to his dipshit son. I enjoyed that.

All I'll say is thank Christ they made Creed. The first Creed is actually what this movie should've been, instead of watching a 60-year-old man on steroids try to fight.

Anyway, skip this one. You're welcome. See ya.